I can’t do it all! It’s not easy to admit but it’s time I started facing reality. Here’s my track record for the last 27 months (since diagnosis).
- 9 Surgeries
- 3 Months of Chemotherapy
- 3 Months of Radiation
- 5 Months of Weekly Breast Expansions (very painful)
- 3 PET Scans
- 3 MRI’s
- 3 Mammograms
- 17 Various Test/Procedures – Stress tests, X-rays, Treatments for clotted port, etc.
- 113 Doctors Appointments (for me, this does not include all the trips to the pediatrician/ER for sick and injured kids)
- 3 Small Kids
- 1 Husband with two jobs
- 1 New Business that I run – book-keeping, receptionist, and scheduler.
- Home-schooling a 2nd Grader and 1st Grader.
I’m INSANE!!! On paper it’s easy to see. But after conquering Chemo I thought the tough stuff was behind me and that I had to hit the floor running. But life this past year has been the HARDEST thing I’ve ever done. It’s made chemo look easy. I’ve dealt with more depression, mood swings, and emotional breakdowns than I ever thought possible…all while trying to keep a smile on my face and make people believe life was great and it was wonderful to be alive! I’ve wrestled with God over and over again on why he even bothered to save my life, and with the scripture that says He came so that we might have life and have it more abundantly. What I was experiencing wasn’t abundant life.
The final straw was this past surgery. What was suppose to be my final surgery. I woke up with only half of the scheduled procedures completed and breast implants that were once again crooked. My plastic surgeon didn’t think much of it and just said we’d have to keep on trying. Trying? TRYING? I wanted to scream at him! Didn’t he know what I’d gone through…2 years of extreme pain and having either only 1 breast or two crooked breasts. One so crooked for a 6 month period of time that it was literally 4 inches higher than the other breast and only one inch below my collar bone…it was impossible to hide and his suggestion for hiding it was to wear a scarf (it was summer and 110 outside). Then on top of it all I got another infection, this time just in the incisions but we were all very concerned about it going down to the implant again and losing the reconstruction all over again.
So Monday I had a major breakdown and I began to face reality. I can’t do it all! I have to let things go and get better…truly, fully, healthy! I re-enrolled the kids in public school, fired my plastic surgeon, and opened my hurt and hardened heart back up to God. He saved me for a reason and living in misery isn’t his reason or purpose for my life. I don’t have to do everything to please Him, but everything I do I want to do well for Him.