"As for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."
Joshua 24: 15

November 5th, 2010

I can’t do it all! It’s not easy to admit but it’s time I started facing reality. Here’s my track record for the last 27 months (since diagnosis).
- 9 Surgeries
- 3 Months of Chemotherapy
- 3 Months of Radiation
- 5 Months of Weekly Breast Expansions (very painful)
- 3 PET Scans
- 3 MRI’s
- 3 Mammograms
- 17 Various Test/Procedures – Stress tests, X-rays, Treatments for clotted port, etc.
- 113 Doctors Appointments (for me, this does not include all the trips to the pediatrician/ER for sick and injured kids)
- Menopause
- 3 Small Kids
- 1 Husband with two jobs
- 1 New Business that I run – book-keeping, receptionist, and scheduler.
- Home-schooling a 2nd Grader and 1st Grader.

I’m INSANE!!! On paper it’s easy to see. But after conquering Chemo I thought the tough stuff was behind me and that I had to hit the floor running. But life this past year has been the HARDEST thing I’ve ever done. It’s made chemo look easy. I’ve dealt with more depression, mood swings, and emotional breakdowns than I ever thought possible…all while trying to keep a smile on my face and make people believe life was great and it was wonderful to be alive! I’ve wrestled with God over and over again on why he even bothered to save my life, and with the scripture that says He came so that we might have life and have it more abundantly. What I was experiencing wasn’t abundant life.

The final straw was this past surgery. What was suppose to be my final surgery. I woke up with only half of the scheduled procedures completed and breast implants that were once again crooked. My plastic surgeon didn’t think much of it and just said we’d have to keep on trying. Trying? TRYING? I wanted to scream at him! Didn’t he know what I’d gone through…2 years of extreme pain and having either only 1 breast or two crooked breasts. One so crooked for a 6 month period of time that it was literally 4 inches higher than the other breast and only one inch below my collar bone…it was impossible to hide and his suggestion for hiding it was to wear a scarf (it was summer and 110 outside). Then on top of it all I got another infection, this time just in the incisions but we were all very concerned about it going down to the implant again and losing the reconstruction all over again.

So Monday I had a major breakdown and I began to face reality. I can’t do it all! I have to let things go and get better…truly, fully, healthy! I re-enrolled the kids in public school, fired my plastic surgeon, and opened my hurt and hardened heart back up to God. He saved me for a reason and living in misery isn’t his reason or purpose for my life. I don’t have to do everything to please Him, but everything I do I want to do well for Him.

3 comments:

Brian and Dara said...

Oh honey :( I really cannot imagine all that you have gone through since diagnosis! But I have to tell ya, even though it probably doesn't feel like it to you, your strength and faith have shined through to those around you. All of us women live in fear of breast cancer and you have kicked it's butt!! The strength that we all can see in you, is straight from God. None of us can go through what you have without totally leaning on HIM. The questioning, anger, and desperation that you are expressing is a good thing! Keep telling the Lord that you are failing miserably on your own and let Him hold you in His arms and carry you the rest of the way. I love you and wish I could be there to support you in person! Stop walking through this yourself and catch a ride ;-)

thevallees said...

Michelle, so sorry to hear that your "last" surgery and things following,aren't quite going as well as we would have expected. You have been through so much. I am relieved to hear that you are freeing up some of your time to give your body a better chance to heal and get strong. Praying that God will send His Holy Spirit to fill your home and lives with His presence, and asking Him for His divine covering over you, Dorian and your sweet little family - Receive it in the Name of Jesus. Know that we are keeping you in our prayers. Huggs XOXO

Dorian, Michelle, Christlyn, Ethan, and Jadon said...

Thanks so much Dara!